Body-ody-ody Issues

I’m trying to convince myself that a four-month writing hiatus is not that bad but I’m no booboo the fool. My motivation to write has been so down as of late and I hate it – especially because I actually did cool stuff that I could have written about!! I went to Texas! And the Keys!! (check out my tropical vlog here, I love a good self promo). But alas, I spent most of my free time watching Youtube videos and episodes of Degrassi. (So. Much. Degrassi.)

But I’m back (baby) and decided that for today I want to talk about body image. My lack of motivation doesn’t end with writing; it has seeped into anotherย most areas of my life, including health. I’ve never been a fit or athletic gal, but lately my snacking and tv-watching habits have definitely caught up with me. I’m currently the heaviest I have ever weighed and to say it is affecting my self esteem is an understatement. I don’t wear many clothes I think are cute because the styles I like won’t look good on my body at the moment. My stomach and thighs are covered in bright red stretch marks that I instinctively hide. I hate being in photos because my face is so flipping chubby right now. And I hate feeling all these things because that is truly not who I am. I had zero self confidence in middle and high school, but I worked hard at loving and accepting myself. I got to a point where I was cute and I knew it and it was great. And though I’m desperately clinging to it, I can feel that confidence slipping away again.

wedding pic
This is one of the sweetest pictures of my boyfriend and I, and yet all I can think when I see this picture is how huge I am. And I am not okay with that.

My issue is consistency. I’ll go to the gym for a week and then not go the next week, and my body obviously never changes. And I love food, but I’m also aware I don’t have a healthy relationship with it (can you say binge eating?). Despite all of this, I want to change my habits. I want to feel cute again and be proud of the body I have. I hate how much control I let my weight have over my emotions, and I desperately want to change that. I know if I put in the work, I can be better. Now I just need to get to work.

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